New Blog Image

Kind of opposed to a whitish background for my blog but that is the only one that caught my liking for now. The thing about wordpress is that they are not very liberal about the customization of the blog skins. Everything has to be paid for otherwise, make do with the handful of really predictable skin templates they have for like a gazillion years.

Yet, while blogspot does allow for just about anyone to modify & customize the skins, it just didn’t have what I want in a blog site.

Sigh. Can’t have the best of both worlds, eh?

Later.

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The Issue of Maturity

I am very blessed to look younger than I really am. I often wonder though, if that is really a good thing.

I have customers who thought that I have just graduated from the Uni. I have friends who commented that I look at least 2 – 3 years younger. Some people, on first impression started talking down to me even before they were into 10 min of conversation & still others ignore the fact that my ideas or opinions could mean anything to them.

It is times like this I hope to revert back into my arrogant self & bite them in the ass.

Some say, it’s not the looks but how you behave. But then, these people start judging me even before they hear me out. What’s to do with the behaviour?

But I’ll admit, sometimes I do act a little ditzy. The nervous laughter in awkward situations or with people I am uncomfortable with, the sometimes ah lian side of me manifest & assuredly, even when I look at myself, is not exactly the epitome of credibility.

But then, it’s also their problem that they judge me without even giving me the opportunity to prove myself.

Later.

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Debut

Can I call it that?

Tonight is my debut effort in worship leading. A little nervous because I’m not sure if I’ll be effective. That was the only thing I was concerned about.

But generally, it was good. Credit goes to the musicians & the support singers & most importantly the person who helped me with the songs selection.

My own evaluation of the event:

I think the main worship session was too rushed. There wasn’t much time for them to actually go into worship. I was watching the time too promptly, I guess! Haha…

At some point, I just wasn’t sure if the people were singing so I tried to soften the music & encouraged them to sing. I am glad that they did.

There was a comical moment where I got a wrong signal from one of the coordinators & we went up too early at one of the mid segments. So they requested for us to go back up again at the supposed slot. That means we had to sing an extra one more slot. The singers & I were so tickled pink by it.

My ex-cell leader told me that she was ministered by the songs that were chosen, especially the closing song. Again, thanks to the person who helped me with the song selection.

The musicians were very supportive & cooperative. The drummer finally understood to look at the signals (we were having trouble with him for a while in previous sessions prior to this event because he was too engrossed in the drumming & wasn’t looking up), although the cue to soften was a little too abrupt but generally, everything went really well.

My whole feel of the worship leading during those 15-20min was that I had to keep myself alert. Looking at the people who attended the prayer session, I saw some of them not really singing & not getting into the moment, I got kind of panicky & was wondering what I could do. I know I was rushing but then wasn’t sure how to lead them into that worshipful moment. I didn’t really say anything substantial except to prompt them with what to sing like ‘let’s sing the chorus again’ & things like that while repeating the sequence.

By the end of it all, I was trickling with perspiration & so I can definitely understand why some people are like that after leading.

On the forefront, there were so much encouragement from so many people, friends, strangers as well as the pastors & lay staff who were involved. Some didn’t believe that it was the first time I’m leading. I just attribute that to being involved in various events & so have gathered the experiences by observation from the various worship leaders on what to do.

There were people who came up to me & said it was ‘good’ or ‘well done’. I asked the ‘head’ what that means. I didn’t quite understand. What was it that was good? The singing? Then it’s perhaps not effective? The music? What was it?

So he broke it down for me & I got a clearer picture.

Is it a sign? *chuckles*

On a serious note, I did enjoy leading worship. I wouldn’t mind leading on such adhoc events every now & then. As for leading worship for the Sunday celebration service, I think perhaps I’m not quite ready yet & so that might have to wait? It is up to the church.

Not sure. Won’t think too much about it until God says ‘go’. Some people may think that I am not stepping up. But hey, As I’ve prayed, I made mistakes trying to push to make things happen when it is not the right time, so instead of volunteering, I leave it to God & His timing.

Now, all I want to do is sleep.

Oh… And acting confident does help. Ha.

Later.

Just Keep at It, Ok?

“Just keep at it, ok?” he told me as we were driving along to the customer’s place.

My MD & I went to a customer’s place together. It really makes me not want to give up because he was willing to give me a chance & was willing to spend time guiding me.

He could tell that I was experiencing ‘culture shock’ from an aftersales support person to becoming a frontline sales originating person.

And again he affirmed me that he believes I have what it takes to do this business well. And I believe that too. Just give me time to figure everything out.

Press on, bigrice.

Later.

Sweetness

Aww. These kids are so sweet.

When I look at these kids, I’m reminiscent of good old school days. They are determined to have fun & they will go to lengths to love the people they hang out with. Sure, they go overboard out of my taste; but they are really simple kids.

They were looking for me yesterday to celebrate my birthday with me. But I was on leave. Usually, it’s just a cake & they will sing songs, take pictures & just joke within that few minutes in a small meeting room that we weren’t supposed to hang too long.

I came back today & everyone started chiding me for ‘disappearing’ without informing them. One female colleague passed me a present which I had not expected. She got me a nice earrings display stand in the form of a garden swing & a nice necklace that has a rainbow pendant.

I was surprised at her gift because I did nothing much to her; didn’t contribute much in her life & I don’t believe she does this for all the colleagues. It was really sweet.

Then at the end of the day, when everyone came back, they got me a cake from BreadTalk & sang a birthday song for me.

Sweetness.

Later.

Today is the Day…

… You have made. I will rejoice & be glad in it.”

Later.

New Haircut – Again

Yup. I got a new haircut & this time, I went shorter – again.

I think it’s quite cool; it’s not spiky short. Definitely not a buzz cut ala GI Jane. But my ears are showing. Wanted to take some shots, but then, on photo, it looked kind of boring, so you will have to see me in person to know. ;p

Later.

Unexpected

It is a normal practice for the pastor to pray for the team before the worship starts. During the prayer, something hit me but I couldn’t remember what. We began the service.

Normally for me, tears flow for maybe one song. But today, I think from the 2nd song onwards, my tear ducts got unusually active & tears just flowed down my face uncontrollably. And I was not able to stop at all even after we are done singing & the pastor prayed for the congregation. It was a good thing that I wasn’t sobbing so badly that I couldn’t continue singing.

Later.

“Our role is to help others worship. Period. The people that attend my fellowship don’t want or need a performance. They need connection – with God & with one another. So our job is to facilitate as best as we can. Let’s break down the invisible barrier between ‘the people on stage’ & ‘the audience’. This is not ‘American Idol’. This is God’s people singing their prayers to their Father, their Saviour & the Holy Spirit.”

“How often do we minister to God in private? Ideally, worship leading is publicly modelling what we have been doing privately.”

~ Paul Baloche

Ida’s Luck Part 2

I’ve always been a ‘fan’ of this person. Looking through the favourites list in my IE, I chanced upon it after such a long time. She creates these morbid tales about children. While it looked scary, I must say she is really creative.

Ida’s Luck Part 2 from Katy Towell on Vimeo.

Job = Game

Or so I would like to think.

I have a love-hate tussle going on with my job. On the one hand, I feel that I seemed to like this job enough but yet at the same time, perplexed at the zero yield to all the efforts.

I’m beginning to see this as a challenge; or as a game as one of those successful sales people recommends. It is after all a game of wits & strategy. But having my confidence shaken so badly, it will take a short while to regain it & I promise you, it will be short.

———-

I have had enough of silly F1-wannabe bus drivers. They drive at full speed & then fails to slow down adequately causing the need to jam brakes so hard at the face of the red traffic light that everyone in the bus is compelled to jerk forward.

Over a span of 3 days, almost all the buses I’ve taken were driven by such drivers.

Lousy standard.

———-

In a few days, I turn 32 (this in no way is a playful hint to do something about my birthday). I believe no one would feel more maniacally joyful at the prospect of growing older. If you have followed my blog for over 2years, you would know that I’m not one to shy from my age.

This year however, is a mix of excitement & apprehension tossed together.

With every year, I learn to be wiser so I’m happy for all the experiences, for what I’ve come through. But then as I approach just 3 more years shy of 35, I realized I haven’t achieved anything financially as I had set many years back.

There are some things that I have overcome. There are some that will possibly take a longer time. I no longer hanker for a man in my life, choosing to let God take His course; I no longer am a tardy, frivolous person who’s always late for work; I am no longer a late waker who is unable to wake up earlier than 7am.

I have made some commitments & have kept to them & have proven my reliability with some people. I have decided to now to give it all I’ve got & start living. I used to not have anybody but now I have people who loves me.

But I’m still unable to overcome those things that pertains to my family & past marriage. Not unforgiving; just still broken & finding my footing in all of that.

I guess being still broken is a good thing. That way, I am still relying on God.

Later.

Restless, Inertia

Boy, if I had a penny for every insight I have on myself.

I was at a customer’s place & presented a quotation to the customer. It was a joint effort with an ex-colleague & I realized that I still ‘got it’.

That means I was able to talk to her with confidence, explaining to her what the quote was about without fumbling & provided honest sincere recommendations.

You see, I’m not lame.

I used to give trainings to a crowd of between 5 – 30 people & had no problems fending off their queries. Now, I’m just reduced to stuttering & stammering & looking like a complete moron.

I used to push for things to happen. Now, it sucks not knowing where my parameters are.

It’s probably the unfamiliarity of my company & the services we have. Up until the day when my boss told me about our business processes, I hadn’t the clue about it & so didn’t know to ask. There were so many things I needed to know but didn’t know how to ask. I’m once again feeling like I’m grasping straws in the wind.

I also think that I feel too hard-pressed for time, that I become like a typical salesperson; going only after a sale.

If you ask me, I think I just need time to figure out what I need about this business. I’m just not sure how much time my bosses are willing to give.

I just read a story, on a completely note but somehow it seemed to talk to me…

One day, God told this person to push a huge rock. This person pushed and pushed. The rock didn’t move an inch and the person asked God why made him push this unmovable rock. God told him, “I didn’t say this rock will move. But look at how much muscle u have built.” The person got stronger in the process of trying to push the rock.

Perhaps this is what’s happening & I’m just developing muscles.

Later.

I Saw…

I saw an old man cleaner who was the mopping the floor at one of the berths in an interchange. He walked towards a bag with a macdonald’s cup inside left behind by a passenger, picked it up & flung it towards the bush beside it! And he looked all nonchalant & cool about it.

The nerve!

Now before you bash me up for being unsympathetic to an old man, let me clarify that while I’m not good with the seniors, I do respect them. I just resent the notion that some old folks feel they are entitled to some right or special treatment because they old. I was appalled at the deliberate act of defiance.

———-

I saw another old man on the mrt before that who looked thin & frail. He had on glasses & was neat & tidy. On his arm was a tattoo that one could hardly make out.

From his appearance now, he looked like a decent man. But standing amidst the slightly crowded mrt cabin, he didn’t want to sit when there was an available seat. Perhaps he was trying to play cool. Perhaps he didn’t want to, because he had a friend with him.

I wondered if he could have been mixed up with triads in his heydays, which could explain the tattoo on the arm (back in the earlier days, tattoos were not common & only secret society members or someone shady would have one)?

Perhaps he had dabbled in gangs & drugs or whatnots but got out of it early.

It sort of sheds some new perspectives.

No matter how glorious you may be in the heydays, no matter how famous or how cool you were, at the end of the day, as you grow older, you are still going to be helpless & weak. All the power once helmed, all authority once obtained, will be rendered useless when your hair turns white & all your muscles grow weak.

Later.

Beaten but Not Defeated

Another day of nothing
Feeling utterly useless
Another day that I have nothing to work on
Feeling like a burden

I may be beaten but I’m not defeated
The day will come when my efforts will pay off
I trust in You & only You
My eyes will look nowhere else

I thank You I have all I need
Even if it isn’t riches or possessions
I thank You for the love You have showered
Through the people You have sent to me
I thank You for the favour
That has been poured out upon me
And thank You most of all
For being who You are

I may be beaten but I’m not defeated
I trust in You & only You
My eyes will look nowhere else

Bright & Cheery

Well, supposedly.

I was, in the morning, in a very happy mood. By the time I got to office, a sense of uncertainty engulfed me & my mood just went steadily down.

I have no idea how to kickstart my engine in the office because I have no idea now what exactly to do (keyword being ‘exactly).

Sigh.

Later.

I Love You

How I have missed You
How often I have passed You by
I long for Your presence more & more
In each & every part of my life

This life that You gave
This life I almost ended
This life of half that I have wasted
I have come to treasure

Have I told You lately
That I love You?
Cheesy it may sound
A line taken from a song
But have I told You lately?

Have I told You how much
I love You
Or for how I have appreciated You
For all the things You have done?

Have I shown You with the way I live
Of this life You restored for me?

If I haven’t, then let me…
I love You, Lord
I love You
The lover of my soul
Heavenly husband on this earth

You didn’t have to take my place
But You did so that I could live
You didn’t have to pursue me
But You did so that I could be free
You love me so much
It’s unbelievable

Who else could love me more than You?
I love You, Lord
I love You even if my love would never surpass Yours

Let Us Give Thanks to the Lord

Let us give thanks to the Lord
For truly He is holy
Let us shout praises from within our hearts
For the great King our God

What was once broken
He made whole
Whoever thought they suffered
He suffered more

Let us give thanks to the Lord
For truly He is holy
Let us shout praises from within our hearts
For the great King our God

Immersed in His Love

What a privilege to be loved by God
To be invited to His presence
Let us ascend to His holy place
And sit with him at His feet

Be completely immersed in His love
Be absolutely amazed
Be bathed in His awesomeness
And lose ourselves in the worship

Lift up our hands for He is holy
Raise our voices to praise Him
Open the eyes of our hearts to Him
To catch a glimpse of His glory

Be completely immersed in His love
Be absolutely amazed
Be bathed in His awesomeness
And lose ourselves in the worship

Later.