Too Much Twitter

If it isn’t Facebook, it’s my blog, otherwise, it’s something else that keeps me online.

Twitter. I have become such a twittering Twit that for the last few days, I kept checking for activities just because I was bored at work.

In my mind is a quiet vacuum that is so devoid of close human contact, being visible online becomes quite the obsession.

So I have decided not to check in as often as I would. Posting is not such a problem as I don’t post as often. So unless my phone tinkles me on new notifications, I won’t go online to check.

———-

Did I mention that today was another ridiculous blazing day? Just being touched by the sun, one could feel the burn.

We are close to being baked alive soon.

I remember one Alfred Hitchcock episode when I was young that spooked me.. I can’t remember the exact details only that a household of people were trapped in a house & the sun became too hot & eventually they got burnt alive.

Something like that. Anyone help me here?

If that was, then was that some kind sick prophesy coming true?

———-

And why has work become boring?

I’ve been very, very discouraged. It seems every script I’ve tried does not work at all. I’m down to almost no pipeline & sure am bummed.

Later.

A Story to Tell – Part 1

“Jesus!”

As she laid on her mattress, Rae shut her eyes & bated her breath as he stood at the door. He had threatened to kill her a few minutes before & she was prepared for the worst.

But he turned around, went back to his room & fell asleep. In a few seconds, snores were heard, indicating he was in deep sleep.

That was after a grueling few hours of ‘torture’.

It wasn’t the first time they had a fight. Each time he would threaten to kill her only to be met with her retort.

If you dare to lay hands on me, you’d better make sure I don’t walk out alive.

Each time it worked.

She didn’t know for how long she could pull at that thread. This night, it broke.

I really feel like killing you.

It wasn’t as if she had wanted to carry on living. She had lost all hope after several months of verbal, mental & physical abuse. Night after night, he would come home drunk & give her hell. To top that off, he landed her in debts & he had somehow decided not to lift his finger to do anything about it.

She was prepared for the worst. She wanted to give up.

I really feel like killing you. He was heaving, ready to pounce on her.

But at that moment, she realized that she didn’t want to die like that. She wasn’t afraid to die; Rae has always been a strong girl. Yet, at that very moment, she felt she could not go like that.

It was a miracle that he just turned around & went to sleep.

Lost & not sure what to do, she sat on her mattress & quietly listened to make sure that he has really fallen asleep before breaking into gasps for air. Tears just rolled down uncontrollably while she tried to stifle her sobs.

What do I do? Should I pack my clothes & leave now? But all the clothes are in his room. And if I make any movements, I might rouse him…

These thoughts kept swirling in her head. I have to get my keys.

Hanson had threatened to lock her up before he leaves for work in the morning. He would be travelling for work & expects that she would be there when he arrives home a few days later. Rae retorted that it was illegal for him to do that. At that point, Hanson threw a fit again, knowing that he had once again ‘lost’; that he could not keep her under any forms of control.  

They had come to a point where Rae could no longer put up with his nonsense. Marriage was supposed to be a happy affair, a joyful union. Yet it became the root of grief in this one. What happened?

Divorce was on the table. It wasn’t the first time it was broached. But each time, it was met with fighting & begging. Without a properly thought out plan, Rae knew she could not make a move. So she waited with the hope that he would really keep to his promise to quit his drinking habits. But it just got worse.

He had depression due to a failed business & she tried to be supportive by being there emotionally & financially. She may not be the best wife there is but she did as best as she knew how. But all he could think of was how he was so miserable & unsuccessful. Drowning himself with alcohol nightly, he raked up debts on her credit cards & refused to pay as he had promised. Being a bankrupt, he is not to have any credit cards or assets to his name. Using hers was the next best thing.

Travelling for work seemed like a valid reason & she didn’t want to hinder in him picking up his career. Hanson said that once his company reimburses him, he would pay it back. But he never did. Perhaps only one or two small payments but subsequently, all the money he has collected went into drinking again.

Soon, 2 credit cards were maxed out. He still didn’t want to pay. When a fair-weathered friend asked for a loan of a couple of grand, he readily lent it to him but from whose account?

Rae confronted him, persuaded him but all to no avail. By then all the credit cards were maxed. Hanson just wanted to get his way like a spoilt child. He would avoid talking about these matters when he was sober but create a ruckus when he was drunk, insisting to talk about these matters yet when it was brought up, he became violent with her. He would hurl vulgarities at her & call her names, accusing her of adultery. Threats to kill her, banging her head against the wall, threatening her with a cleaver took place within that short period of  6 months.

When he knew that this time, divorce was a resolute decision, he pretended to have drunk some insecticide by staining the tip of the glass with a little from the spray can. Surely anyone could tell it was a cheap trick to earn some sympathy. By then, it was too late. Rae could care no more. When she had put in efforts to care, he hurt her. Is there any reason why he should deserve more?

You could die for all you want. It’s your choice. You can no longer place blame on my head & make me feel guilty. You will not manipulate me anymore.

She knew he could not have drank too much as he had no violent reaction. When he heard some groans from his room, she simply picked up her phone to call the ambulance.

When you call the ambulance for attempted suicide, the police will follow. Hanson hated the police.

[To be continued...]

iSing – Joy to the World (R & B)

It’s very weak but at least I can do it, eh?? *raises eyebrows cheekily*

iSing – Joy to the World (R & B ala Whitney Houston)

I am going to try Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Xmas is You. Hahaha…

Strategies

We must listen with open ears. Don’t allow certain words and phrases to prejudice you from listening objectively. And don’t avoid listening to things that you may feel are too difficult to understand (v.15).

I think I always have a problem with this.

Since young, I often hear the emotions underneath the things that people say & feel hurt or insulted. I hear words & analyze the reasons behind why people say certain things. I believed that it’s not in the things you say; it’s how you say it.

I came across a concept of Sun Tzu’s Art of War & it hit me – a general should not be overly concerned with their reputation as it makes them susceptible to insults from enemies; such that the enemies can use that as a tactic to provoke him.

Something like that. 

As I observed the people I have high regard for, one trait I realized is this: they don’t let these things bother them. Great people have their eyes focussed on more important things. 

It’s good food for thought. I would like to think along these lines. However, I also still want to care for people’s feelings yet being impartial.

What is important are the points brought up in today’s devotional:

“• Words can crush the spirit. And a crushed spirit is more unbearable than a sick body (v.14).

• Words can separate friends. And an offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city (v.19).

Fortunately, the opposite is also true. Listen to these thoughts from Proverbs:

• We must listen to facts. Learn with a discerning ear and ferret out the facts (v.13).

• We must listen with open ears. Don’t allow certain words and phrases to prejudice you from listening objectively. And don’t avoid listening to things that you may feel are too difficult to understand (v.15).

• We must listen to both sides of a dispute. It’s foolish to jump to conclusions and rush to judgment; the wise take time to discern (v.17).”

Later.

It All Boils Down to Love

Hearing from the pastor earlier, I am reminded then that everything boils down to love.

Real love. A love that is secure in God so that nothing that people do to me will faze me. That I will see them with different eyes & just be gentle about things, with people.

We have all heard - ”Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Love is not selfish. When I want things done my way, I am being selfish. When I harbour thoughts about someone, I am being selfish…

And that really hit me especially over the angst that I have posted over the last couple of days.

Why do I feel so resistant about people telling me what to do? Like my friend told me before, I don’t have to do anything about it; I just have to listen.

I think I’m just indignant – why people just say things because they just want to say it with no care for how people felt; solely because it, on some level, made them look much better & superior.

Isn’t it? When someone tells another a problem, the listener automatically assumes an authoritative position & thinks that they are doing the other person a favour by telling them what to do.

My gripe is always if there is no need for people to care about feelings, then there is no need for the helping profession to exist. There will be no need to go through continuous training to share with people what are things to avoid saying when caring for people. If feelings are not important, then I wouldn’t have to be in such a turmoil. I could basically just go back to being me & tell people what I think is the best because “I’ve been through shit.”

But I know this way don’t always work. It is so easy to say.

So, yes, I’m just indignant.

Yet at the same time, I am reminded by God that just as He has been gracious & kind towards me, I should extend that grace to others as well. I recently made that mistake too by advising someone on a matter so easily said than done.

I have nothing to say. It still just boils down to love.

What is love? How do I love? How can I love?

Later.

Most Commonly Confused Words

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test…

Advanced

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 73% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels’ questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don’t use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

Take The Commonly Confused Words Test at OkCupid

How’s My Humour Style

Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test…

the Idiot Savant

(29% dark, 50% spontaneous, 42% vulgar)

your humor style:
VULGAR | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT

You like things silly, immediate, and, above all, outrageous. Ixne on the subtle word play, more testicles on fire, please. People like you are the most likely to RECEIVE internet forwards–and also the most likely to save them in a special folder entitled ‘HOLY SHIT’.

Because it’s so easily appreciated, and often wacky and physical, your sense of humor never ceases to amuse your friends. Most realize that there’s a sly intelligence and a knowing wink to your tastes. Your sense of humor could be called ‘anti-pretentious’–but paradoxically enough, that indicates you’re smarter than most.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Johnny Knoxville – Jimmy Kimmel

The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules –

 

Take The 3 Variable Funny Test at OkCupid

“Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice, and Weep with Those Who Weep.” ~ Romans 12:15

I have always thought I was being a big person.

I have cried with a few friends who shared their problems with me. I could feel their pain.

I have rejoiced with my friends who had it better than me – promotions, getting married, falling in love, good jobs…

But there are some people whom I just cannot feel too happy for. *This will be an honest post, so please don’t judge me.

Like why someone would rake up debts the same amount as mine - on drinking & splurging on credit cards & have someone who would pay for them with no obligation to return. Of course, that friend would pay back. But having that offer takes off the burden of rising interest rates & being hounded by loansharks disguised as credit companies.

He did it again & the same person offered. Now he is still drinking.

Am I not trustworthy enough? Than this person?  

Like how come people who are born with a silver spoon in their mouth, didn’t have to go through shit at all & still get to have everything? 

They didn’t have to slog for their jobs & they get high paying ones, ones that takes them to another country & they continue having fun there; Good things after good things just happen for them. They don’t even think much about pain & suffering but look at where they are.

Like why some snooty ass can still be so happy in love with someone who is smitten with her & make it his whole life aim to make that snooty ass happy?

The bible says not to get jealous. God abhors jealousy. He is the only one who could get jealous.

But I am. You want me to say it? I am jealous. I can’t feel happy for the few of those people.

Because I could only wish for just even a fraction of what they actually have & not come close to getting it.

I appreciate those people who actually have to work hard for it; who actually have to go through certain difficulties to be where they are. Those are people I am genuinely happy for.

It’s true, my life is slowly coming back. But I still have nothing basically. Bank figures are constantly in deficit, debts are still piling. I’m nowhere near to being able to buy my own house.

Many times, I just hope to find an easy way out – find a rich man to marry. That might solve the problem, although finding a rich man to marry me alone would be a feat.

Or become really scheming & political just to get ahead. Don’t care about God, anything else or anyone else & just work my head off. Shove my way ahead. Now that I can do.

I could think of worse, really.

Anything bascially, just to get myself out of this shithole. I am tired, I guess. I want to do something I want to do & not have to be stuck in a job that feels like a total misfit.

There are also days where I wish there was someone I could just lean on.

I know I wrote a very compelling (Well, I think so!) article on Singlehood recently but as my article states, it does not mean I intend to deliberately stay single forever (if you don’t get what I mean, please just stop reading & go away). 

In vulnerable moments like this, I have really hoped that there would be someone I could trust to lean on. Someone who would assure me that everything would be ok just by being there.

As I’ve said, this is just an honest post about what I’ve been feeling for a long time. Please don’t take this as anything else other than that. I know what I need to do, so let me work it out with God.

Later.

Cinnamon Roll & Slow, Slow Saturday

Ooh ooh… Homestyle Two-Bite Cinnamon Roll is guh-ooood.

I like this kind of taste – cakey coated with thick layer of sugar. Tastes a little like Belgian waffle. Simply indulgent.

If you’re anything like me, diehard sweet tooth, dessert chomping monster, then find the mini bags of 3 at NTUC for $1.95 each.

———-

Went to church in the morning & then went to the library & enjoyed some quietness.

It’s a slow Saturday. Bliss. All that is missing is rain. I think I finally have time to catch up on some overdue reading.

Later.

Serious

I am boring.

While people were able to joke about many things, I see some things with an overly serious eye.

Writing the earlier posts, my mind took me on a brief imagination ride & indeed, I think that’s why my life is so dreary.

I’m sure there would be a great difference if I could loosen up a little.

On the other hand, there are things that I just don’t want to make light of. Issues like bullying, jeering at the underdogs, taking on extreme perspectives & others are just not something that I want to compromise.

I’m not saying that I’m an activist of any sort. I just don’t think these things should be brushed aside.

Aiya. Maybe my perspectives are wrong too.

Later.

Relevance

I was at lunch with a couple of friends & we were talking about how I was adjusting to my work. One of them came up with something that seemed out of topic.

See, I was telling her how I had to deal with the aspect of being relational. She agreed & in turn added that it helps being polite.

My immediate response in my head was, ‘where did you get that?’ Are you trying to tell me I was impolite?

Ooh. Touchy.

Looking back now, she probably didn’t mean that. But where was the relevance?

I hope she isn’t reading this now in case it sparks some kind of misunderstanding, but I sometimes wonder why people just enjoy ‘telling’ things. Either, she has been reading my blog & piecing it together with how she perceives me, that’s why she is indirectly telling me I am an impolite person or that she is just trying to be ‘authoritative’ by telling me what is good to do. Either way, popping that statement out just didn’t sound very pleasant to me at first.

Like I said, she probably didn’t mean it that way.

And of course, any reaction on my part other than just a simple nod or smile or any other forms of amiability would very likely be perceived as being sensitive.

I went back to being very direct with my response instead of smiling it off. She must have felt I was touchy.

*nods* *smiles* I’m the one being sensitive.

Later.

Observations from the Bus

Some people probably made it their life ambition to make things difficult for China women.

Under the blazing 1130am sun, a woman dressed in red sweatpants & elbow length matching red top with a cap on her head & a red scarf(!) round her neck, she was in an aircon bus where the airconditioning was not exactly of a comfortable temperature.

Next to her was a China woman, clearly minding her own business. Reading a product catalogue of sorts from one of those MLM companies, I did not see anything amiss with way she was seated.

The weird lady was closing her eyes, probably trying to meditate so she can levitate. Then she nudged the China woman & told her not to open her arms too wide so that it touches her. The bewildered China woman was certainly unhappy. She asked how she should have put her arms then. That weird lady just repeated that she should put her arms properly.

I thought the China woman’s arms were perfectly fine by her side.

I would think the weird lady to be a bully. And she’s not the first I’ve witnessed or heard when it comes to such bullying. They have some twisted notions of China women probably from hearsay or worse, Lianhe Wanbao & felt it was right to take it upon themselves to punish them.

It’s not that I’m full of sympathy for them; I’ve seen my share of ugly China people but I believe they are the black sheeps & that not all of them are bad.

Every country has their own lousy examples. We are not exactly angels either.

Later.

If only one needs to work only on technical aspects. Like push more numbers, make more calls, be more careful, put in more effort.

But when it’s something that has to with part of your character flaw, you get an immediate sinking feeling, a feeling that does not bode well.

Because when it has to do with that, I’m stuck as i’m already trying for the longest time. If I can’t do it with friends, I can’t do it with customers.

But it does not mean that I can’t do it. I may feel beaten for now, I will be back on Monday & face myself. I’m tempted to beat myself up again, but I will cut myself some slack now.

Later.

Follow. Simply Follow.

“When we follow, we’re dependent on the one we are following. We don’t fret about the long stretch ahead. We don’t harbor regrets over what took place during the miles behind us. We don’t focus on things that don’t really matter. We simply follow…” – Winn Collier [taken from ODJ, Nov 4]

After reading this passage on the morning of 4 Nov, I felt a sense of clarity.

Remember that at that time, I was in a place of insecurity & mental turmoil. Reading that helped put me in perspective.

What does it mean for me to simply follow Jesus? Where is the one place He’s asking me to follow Him today?

I think for me to follow Him means simply to ignore all distractions & follow that tiny path of light under my feet. Ahead of me may be pitch darkness. But I know the lamp unto my feet is sufficient for me.

Many times, I run ahead of God. Like a child, I’d ‘tell’ God about what I have in mind & then bolt, holding on to God’s hand. I dragged him along. No wonder I was burdened!

I am reminded that sometimes, I can only take one step at a time. As much as I hate not knowing what is ahead of me, I need to learn that God knows & He doesn’t need to tell me what that is.

At the M2 conference, the same speaker who encouraged us to pursue our dreams, also said this, “take care of the things that matter to God & He will take care of us.”

Again, it reminded me that all I need to do is keep my eyes focussed on Him.

I can make plenty of plans but if I don’t seek His kingdom, my endeavours will be futile.

I can’t remember if I read this or if I saw this in my mind’s eye. I saw that I am like an archer. The target is God. As long as I aim for the bulls’ eye, I can hit & miss but with practise, I should not miss too far each time. Eventually, I will hit target.

Following also means complete trust; knowing the person whom we are following. Knowing that this very step I need to take, even if it looks perilous, even if I don’t know where it will take me.. I will follow because I trust. Just look straight ahead.

In a sense, it’s good to have tunnel vision when it comes to following God.

‘Jesus… found Philip & said to him, “Come, follow Me.”‘ – john 1:43

Follow. Simply follow.

Later.

Surprising Myself

Perhaps I’m not that shy after all.

There were times I surprise myself by doing things totally unexpected – by myself; and didn’t come off too bad.

Like I would not usually initiate conversations with strangers, but on occasions, did & continued to have a lovely conversation with that person;

Like I would usually need to think through a speech or even think up a script but on occasions, just took it out from my mind & wasn’t too bad;

Like I could hold my own when I’m with customers – alone – no matter how new I am.

Heck, my previous job requires me to conduct user trainings to groups of people. I had to think up things to say many times.

So, what gives? Why am such an inferior/insecure wreck that I am now?

Later.

Flash Floods, Kind Words & Yummylicious Hot Chocolate

It was as if the sky overturned gigantic buckets of water this afternoon.

The water from the sky was relentless & I got the first taste of being in a flash flood. As much as I like rain, this wasn’t what I wanted to thank God for.

The gutters were so choked up that each time a vehicle passes by, the waters ebbed like it was the sea waves, onto the pavement from the side of the road.

The stretch of road outside my office was so flooded, all I could see was a patch of reddish-brown.

Water level reached my ankles & by the time I reached office after lunch, my shoe would be able to keep a goldfish alive.

My other colleagues had to remove their shoes & walk barefooted to wade through the waters.

———-

Towards the end of the day, one manager I was working on a project with, told me that I was the most hardworking sales person right now. She says all the managers agreed. I almost teared.

Forgive my dramatic antics & obvious display of pride… But people saw!

Just this morning, I was feeling irritated. By all the unfriendly people who kept hanging up on me without allowing me even to completing my introduction. My killer tendencies were about to manifest & I had wished to jump them with my telephone cord, coil it around their necks & strangle them. But I know I had to maintain a good attitude & so at least the day was easier to pass.

Hearing that was at least some consolation.

I’m relieved yet at the same time, the number of calls I made did not manage to yield any appointments being set. But she encouraged that efforts will pay off eventually. So… God bless…

———-

Now, I have to rave about this.

Searching for the perfect hot chocolate is not easy. Searching for the perfect instant hot chocolate mix is even harder.

And I’ve found it – in the form of Higgins & Burke’s Gourmet Hot Chocolate mix.

For hot chocolate lovers, this is a must try. I’m sure you will agree that this is almost heaven.

Having tried Cadbury’s years ago, I hadn’t had much faith in such concoctions. After all, what can one expect for such delicious conveniences?

Surprisingly, this was thick, creamy & flavourful; not at all like it was instant. You would have thought this was a takeout from a cafe. Most importantly, it’s the taste that I like.

Higgins & Burke Gourmet Hot Chocolate comes in 2 flavours – Chocolate Embrace, Hazelnut Passion & Irish Cream (Mine was Irish Cream) in boxes of 8 sachets & can be found in NTUC. It’s on promotion (I hope not) now @ $5.90 per box.

Enjoy!

Later.

有时候，并不是对方不在乎你，而是你把对方看得太重要

在Facebook上，有人留这样一句。哇，真的是说中了。

到底有多少次陷入这样的陷阱。一相情愿，独自痛苦，到头来，对方一点都没有头绪。即使有，也无动于衷。

这位Facebook的朋友说得对。还是留一点尊严给自己。别傻唏唏地随便把别人给予太重的地位。

Later.

Quiet Monday

An exodus must have occurred because it seems as if half of Singapore have gone away. It was quiet on the roads this morning, I thought & hoped it was a public holiday.

When I reached office, I learnt the neighbor on my left has resigned. Her workspace was vacant. The rest of the colleagues were also not in.. By midmorning, what was supposed to be occupied by 6 people was left with only me. Boss was not around either.

But at least I talked to a few people on the phone, even though they turned out to be lost causes.

For now… Quiet lunch.

Later.

I is A Closet Dancer

Yup. I can’t dance but would like to. I is a closet dancer. Thinking for the longest time to take up some form of dancing. Love Hindi movie dance moves. Love Salsa. Love Hiphop.

Maybe I should go do that & skip more important things like… well… never mind.

Later.

Confidence

I wasn’t always this insecure.

I guess as time goes by, I just didn’t like the way I related to people, bashing them up with my speech of arrogance. What’s fun in that? Why do I always try to show people up?

In trying to be as less obnoxious as possible, I’ve cowered down to becoming nothing & becoming really unsure of what is too much & too little. I went from one extreme to the other end.

My theory is I’m too passionate certain things but because I’ve spent too much with myself & myself alone, I say things because I want to say without consideration too much for others’ feelings. I become too intense in the things that I say.

Of course, there are people who may share the same characteristics as I am but aren’t as bristled. I suppose it all boils down to the individual – some people are just kinder.  

Introspection (read: thinking too much) isn’t always a bad thing, I guess.

Later.