Quietness

I have been quiet of late.

Not in the terms of my speech because I talk a lot during the day. I talk a lot when I meet up with friends. I talk a lot on MSN when I see friends online. I talk a lot & I laugh a lot more than I did before.

But I have been quiet in terms of emotions.

Perhaps the transition of a promotion lately & getting really busy caused me to feel shut out. I haven’t really been opening up to God. There is insecurity & apprehension that I can’t seem to put a finger on.

I am enjoying the challenge of my work now. I am happy with my work & the majority of the ppl I work with . But where would I rather be? What would I rather be doing? This question has been in my head over & over & there is only one answer & that answer is hard to fulfill.

I am not sharing much with my cell group, although I still do attend the fortnightly meetings, but somehow, I don’t feel I can trust them enough to open up as much as I should.

As if that isn’t enough to keep me bogged down, there will be changes in my workplace that will see me reporting to someone else pretty soon. My current boss is leaving for greener pastures. Even though I have encouraged him & wished him all the best yet I do not know what to expect next. I can see the dept in a mess once he leaves unless someone capable comes quick, hopefully someone with integrity, just as trustworthy & reliable & not quite as wily as someone else in the dept.

If we were to put aside work-related matters, then what is causing the silence within the realms of my mind?

It is probably just another phase I need to go through as I cope with new ppl around my life, I suppose. It takes great effort & a lot of time for me to be able to trust ppl. Of course, I can still be Ms Congeniality on the outside, but what is deep inside me, only a few know.

Of those few, it includes God, the one & only who knows me through & through, yet I am not even talking to Him. God must be so disappointed with me for going through the motions & giving Him the cold shoulder. Is there pent up anger harbouring deep within me that is keeping me from Him? Am I expecting something, some answers from Him that I feel He should answer or fulfill?

The truth is, I am contented with what I have. Contentment does not mean complacency. It just means that I am grateful for all that I have. There is no reason to demand for more than I can take at the moment. Am I angry at Him? I don’t think I can find any reason in my bones to be angry at the One who has provided for me & taken care of me so well.

Perhaps I already know the answer.

Later.

~ by fayea on June 24, 2008.