I spent the whole day knocking on doors today & while it wasn’t promising, at least no one made me feel like a beggar. To me, this is a good day.

I did have a good chat with a customer whom I took over & was cheesed with the level of service we had with the support dept & wanted to drop off. I think he just wanted someone to pacify him & I think I got him for about 70%.

See, I’m not bad after all, huh? Haha.

But I believe God was there.

The other one in the morning looked promising as well & making small talk with these 2 didn’t feel so scary after all. I really hope both or either one will be successful.

Now, I’m psyched & all ready for tomorrow as we are all headed for church camp! Yippee!

Later.

It’s not a good idea that a girl should still be blushing past her 30s. It’s like I’ve not seen the world. Like I’m still a kid.

It’s not hard to tell that I am embarrassed or feel awkward. I can pull the straightest face but the colour of my complexion suddenly turning red as a beet cannot escape sharp eyes. Not good in the social world.

*_*||

———-

As I’ve let on earlier, I hadn’t the mood to make calls.

In truth, I don’t know what to say anymore. Nothing I say gets me any appointments & I’m just stuck. I spent most of my time today reading up on how to get past those nasty ‘gatekeepers’. If you have no idea who they are, they are the people who ensures that their bosses do not get distracted or wastes time with callers like me. They are administrative assistants, receptionists, secretaries or personal assistants.

Peskiest people in the world if you ask me.

These are people who act like a part time security guard or police officer where they immediately adopt an intimidating tone of voice & starts interrogating you. They will hold nothing back to make you feel like a beggar, even over the phone.

There are some who are nice. But just ’some’.

Plenty of them hung up on me even before I could go on. In the initial couple of months when I was filled with enthusiasm & gusto, I’d try my way into getting more information. Unfortunately, I feel more beaten than anything else now that I just hang up without putting up a fight.

Did any of those reading help? Well, let’s just say to have to translate those advice into Singlish makes it lose all the meaning that it was meant for.

I repeat – I’m supremely bummed.

Later.

I am supremely bored.

I tried making calls albeit drudgingly but hearing another unfriendly voice over the phone just ticks me… What worked yesterday did not work today. My appt has been cancelled & I have lost quite a bit of confidence because it seems the only thing that I need right now is a magical wand to turn me into a social butterfly, literally.

There seemed to be no problems in terms of efforts & my learning curve. There seemed to lesser problems now telling customers abt my product. But I can sell but cannot close. All because my brains just don’t twist enough to talk crap with customers. Ok, not really crap but my whole career is ruined because I can’t make small talk.

Absolutely mood-less.

Later.

It does really help to talk to people about things.

All this time, while struggling to get my brains all sorted, I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I was feeling. Over dinner with a neutral friend, the words came out.

I feel very small with my new friends.

They hadn’t intended it, I’m sure. But I find I’m suddenly trying to keep up. Looking at them, I really wondered how I would turn out if I had more of such positive influences when I was much younger.

It isn’t dwelling about the past; who I am today is the result & consequence of who I was & how I thought & behaved. I now need to unlearn a lot of things which just takes a lot more effort now. It is possible, but it will take longer.

I look at them & I often wonder if I could’ve reached my potential by now if I have met people like them earlier. The young ones now have the confidence that I wish I could’ve have kept. I was brash & like them, didn’t seem to fear much. But they are also smarter than me which only an insecure person could feel terrible about.

I don’t know really know how to talk to them or care for them. They have everything & I quite literally mean everything – good jobs, high flying careers, families, friends who love them, close, deep friendship between them. And here I am, feeling small within the 1square meter of selfish, imaginary space, I fear my care would mean nothing to them.

We come from different worlds & it baffles me how we come to be close, it seems too good to be true.

It’s a silly thought. But it’s really how I’m feeling.

*wrings brain*

I wonder if one of them got angry with me? I think I took some of my jokes too far.

Later.

On Sunday, pastor gave us a challenge to do a good thing daily until our church camp.

I was on the receiving end of a good thing this afternoon. I am forever grateful for people who have been kind to me. It did brighten my dull day of uneventful calling.

Thank you, you know who you are.

———-

I hadn’t performed my good thing. But I try to make it a point lately to think of someone different everyday & ask about them in an effort to end my dreary life. That count?

———-

Ok, so I said I would stop posting. But I figured if I don’t, I’d go mad. I just need to moderate what I write. Would that make it pretentious?

I had a moment of getting trapped within my thoughts. It was an agony & no doubt a torture. I felt my whole brain was grating inside my skull so badly, I just want to remove it & throw it away.

I would think only great minds go crazy. Mine’s not. Can I be spared?

Later.

Aiyo. *shakes head*

Later.

Had a new haircut today & absolutely loving it.

———-

There is some amount of angst being displayed here which is unnecessary. I am the ‘go-straight-to-the-person-&-talk’ kind of person. I could straight to the people in concern, but as I am learning a gentler way of telling people how I feel, I decided to hold for the right moment.

In the first place, do I need to?

It is my problem & my way of reacting to them.

I know God will need to deal with me on this; it’s something I need to do – become strengthened. But while being at that, there are some things I did mind. Anything that seemed to imply that I didn’t have the ability or wasn’t good enough even before you know me or ‘tried’ me is just something I don’t get. I’m already feeling inadequate enough; I really don’t want to be reminded of it, especially in front of other people.

Oh why, do I think so much?

———-

I am trying to find something else to post. As you can see here, my insecurity is clearly getting dreary & since there has been an increase of readership especially from people I have not met face to face, I shall spare people the agony of my boring life.

In the meantime, I will very likely not be posting until there is something worth to. Suggestions? I still need to write to keep it going.

Later.

I was awake since 240am. Actually, earlier than that.

I don’t sleep in during weekends but would like to catch up on some sleep if I can. Waking up at 9am, even 8am sounds like a very good idea.

This weekend is a long one, starting from Friday. But I woke up at 7am on Friday, had no choice but to wake up the same time yesterday due to worship practise & now at 2-ish in the morning, I’m loitering between slumber state & consciousness.

Sigh. They say old people requires lesser sleep. Sign of aging? Haha…

———-

I think it’s a good idea to be cryptic. Make people guess. I shouldn’t be telling people why I said what I said immediately when they ask me. Make them panic a little. Make them feel as if they should be earning for it. You wanna know? Why don’t you go figure? Shows if you know me enough, huh?

I probably don’t have to offer any explanations to people I don’t know well too. For the umpteenth time I try to be nice & pleasing, I think I will stop doing that. I seemed to have this compelling need to answer every question, respond to every joke & try to be nice.

I get vibes from some people that they believe I’m not capable enough. I blame myself for behaving like an idiot initially because I didn’t know HOW to behave when I am so intimidated by them & I’m done trying to prove myself.

They won’t understand why I behaved the way I did.

Like I said, I cared too much for what some people think. I think that’s why I’m so bothered.

There was a point when I was competitive & I would try to prove that I can up someone – smarter, better than they are. “I could do it better than you… Hah!” But so what?

I’m being grouchy not being able to sleep.

Later.

No, hours after the operation, E71 went low pressure & threaten to faint again.

It was fine as long as it was rested. Exertions have to be minor. It doesn’t take well to multi-tasking now.

My poor baby. I am not going to give up on you. You hang in there!

Sigh. I think I will have to get another battery. Better than having to get another phone.

Now I have to wait till Monday & see if the synchronization will work well. As of today, it’s ok. If not, I think it’s really time.

Later.

**********

Perhaps he was just afraid of her in some ways, as with some of the people in her life. She was too strong for her own good. Too strong for a girl. She didn’t need anyone to do things for her because the men in her life didn’t prove to be too useful. Her mum did everything in the house – you name it, she did it; painting the walls, changing, light bulbs, fix taps, move heavy things… Rae grew up to believe that there was nothing she couldn’t do.

All she wanted was someone to love her. Obviously, that wasn’t enough for Hanson.

Perhaps Hanson felt the only way to control her was to intimidate her – in every sense of the way. He would yell at her in public & call her stupid. He wouldn’t allow her to hold his hands in public, only as & when he wanted. She wasn’t allowed to change sides while they were walking together. If she did, he would yell at her as well.

He also tried to control her movements & tried to cut her off from her family & friends. He warned her not to tell anyone of what went on at home.

She was just a slave. A slave to do whatever he commanded & whenever he wanted.

When she didn’t want to, he accuses her of adultery. Of having affairs with other men. That accusation cut deeply. It showed that he did not know her at all. There was nothing that would indicate that Rae was a loose person yet he was jealous & angry.

**********

After deciding the best thing to do was to wait for him to leave for his work trip out of town, she would have to try & catch as much sleep as she can to restore her energy, knowing she had lots to do the next day. Rae went to kitchen quietly, grabbed her keys & hid it under her mattress. She had a fitful night expecting him to wake up in the wee hours of the morning & give her hell. Several times she would wake up to take quick swipes under her mattress to check if her keys were still there before dozing off.

When morning came, she heard sounds in the kitchen but no hint of agitation. She waited quietly on her mattress, still pretending to be asleep. Shortly after, he left the house. She swiped underneath her mattress one more time & thought she had lost the keys. Then her hand located it. She grabbed it out, sat on her mattress & breathing heavily gasping for air. She sobbed heavily.

Expecting to see some death threats, she got up & went into the kitchen but all she saw was a long note to tell her he’s sorry. These people just never seemed to get it, do they?

One note of sorry & they expect that memories of the previous night can be wiped away just like that?

One note of sorry & they expect all that had happened in the past few months to be erased away just like that?

She sat in the kitchen & bawled. Thoughts running through her head, she, trying to make sense of what was happening & what she needs to do next. Should I pack up now? Where do I go? Life should go on. I should go back to work.

And that was what she did. She got ready for work in between intermittent sobs. But by the time she reached her workplace, she was a wreck. She was running a roadshow for her company & after she had finished setting up the counter, she just sat behind the counter & cried. For 4 hours. It was a good thing that her supervisor knew about what went on. Although Rae had refused to go, her supervisor supported her & allowed her to go on leave. She got a male colleague to drive up to her place to grab her belongings & leave. Her supervisor persuaded another female colleague to put Rae up for the time being.

[To be continued...]

After a tough operation, it was finally out of the deranged state that it was in.

It was flatlined first & was removed of all past & present memories. It had to be cleansed of everything & replaced with a newer version.

Sedated, it went into a deep sleep. I roused it awake this morning & believed the other alternative was to install the MS Exchange without any other applications & put it under close observation over the next few days.

I had a hard time trying to get it to remember me. All the memories we had together were gone. But it was not resistant & it was a fruitful time getting to know each other again. It seemed to settle down well & showed me a few new clinks that it would never be able to before & I really appreciate it better.

If all goes well, it might survive & I won’t need to replace it.

Later.

… love them but hate it when they give problems…

… hate them when it does but can’t live without them…

I’m glad I don’t have money. Otherwise, I would be buying gadgets like Mr SPJ (oops, did I say that out loud? *toothy grins*).

Admittedly, I was a gadget-whore. I love gadgets. But for me, buying gadgets, or handphones, for that matter, is like finding the right man; when you find one that is right, you won’t want another.

I really like my Nokia E71. It probably isn’t the most efficient phone in the market & definitely pales in comparison with iPhone. But for me, it’s the best.

Because I don’t like having to carry different gadgets with me, I tend to find something that can do everything. Nokia E71 is my ideal all-in-one phone. I can write on the go, check emails, surf the web, listen to mp3s, watch videos & be able to multitask. It’s not without glitches; but those I can make do with.

But now, because it doesn’t synchronise very well with MS Exchange (my work email & calendar), I have to think of an alternative. Call me traditional – I just don’t like the idea of sending my phone to any service centre (even my own office). So I’d rather let it die, than to let someone else manhandle my phone.

What happens now, is the battery is getting progressively shorter & the phone heats real quick. Normally, my phone could last a whole day & still have spare. Now, I don’t even have to use it & by lunch, half the battery power is gone.

Then I would charge it again but before the end of the day, it would be on the verge of going into coma.

It’s like cancer in the final stage.

So, I will have to flatline it again & reset everything to factory settings (the previous time, I did a backup & restored my original settings. I think that was the cause.). Hopefully, from there, the phone can be restored as a phone & then I will have to get a 2nd gadget just to sync my calendar & emails.

Later.

Hanson hated the police. She couldn’t remember why.  

When the police & ambulance came, he was hauled in. According to Hanson that night, he was detained in a very cold room with his hands tied behind him & clothes were removed. For 4 hours, he was kicked by the police officers while he was trying to sleep.

 Or so that was the reason he gave when he came home to get even that night.

 Since he said he wasn’t allowed to sleep, by the time he reached home, it was already 7am & he had to go straight to work. You can imagine one very angry person, agitated, with no sleep.

Rae tried to sleep before he came home that night. Lights were out & the door to her room was closed but it did not stop him. He opened the door & switched on the lights. Immediately, he kicked her up & started hurling accusations at her. Knowing that it was pointless to talk or fight in this condition, Rae didn’t want to participate in the fight, but he just would not relent, as usual.

They carried the fight out into the kitchen amidst the screaming, he took out his belt & tried to tied her hands.

 That was they did to me! I want you to have a taste of it!

His face was so close, she was staring directly into those eyes. 

Even till today, Rae could still remember those eyes. It was as if he was possessed – deranged & bloodshot. It wasn’t like the usual fights they had. He wasn’t like what he was normally.

She panicked & struggled hard. She told him that he can’t do that. He backed off & started yelling at her some more, knowing that he has no hold over her.

She wanted to go to sleep but he just kept hanging on to her, digging up whatever he could to keep the fight going. Crying & yelling, Rae was really tired & exhausted. By then, she was already tired of the life that she was leading, tired of the bad choices she had made. The fight that kept on going, the longest in their time together, made her want to end it all.

When she hurled those words, she had really meant it. She didn’t want to carry on anymore.

 You’d better make sure I don’t want walk out here alive otherwise you will regret it.

She had really meant it. In her sobs, she wished that someone could save her from it all. Someone could take her away from all this mess. What has she done to deserve someone to treat her like this?

In the end, she went back to her room, turned off the lights & tried to close the door. He banged & yelled at her again. He switched on the lights & told her that she could try to sleep but each time she falls into slumber, he will kick her up because that was how he was treated while being detained. She ignored him but inside, she didn’t know what was to happen next.

He is like a child, wanting to draw someone into a fight – to ‘play’ with him. When Rae displayed apathy, it fueled his anger. He told her that he will hide her keys so that she will still be in the house when he comes back from his work trip. Again, she told him that he can’t do that. In a hazy moment, he pounced on her & fixed his face so close to hers, she could feel him heaving like a madman, yelling so close to her ear, she had to kick him away.

He got up to his feet & stood at the door.

I already told you, make sure I don’t leave this house alive, otherwise you will regret it!

I really feel like killing you.

Anytime now. Anytime. Something is going to happen.

She was sobbing & hid her face in the pillow. In a split second, she realized that as much as she wasn’t afraid to die, this wasn’t how she wanted to go. But she had no one & nowhere to turn to. Under her breath, she called out.

Jesus…

 She bated her breath & expected the worse to happen. Suddenly, all was calm. He turned around & went back to his sleep & very soon fell into a deep sleep.

[To be continued...]

I’m so glad that the Lord has found me
I’m so glad that I am loved
I’m so glad that He has pursued me
I’m so glad that I’m alive

I’m so glad that He died for me
And washed away my sins
I’m so glad He never gave up on me
To shape me & mold me

I’m so glad for the gifts He gave
And the privilege to serve Him
I’m so glad for the grace He has
And the many 2nd chances

I’m just so glad He came to die for me
And that He has found me

Later.

If it isn’t Facebook, it’s my blog, otherwise, it’s something else that keeps me online.

Twitter. I have become such a twittering Twit that for the last few days, I kept checking for activities just because I was bored at work.

In my mind is a quiet vacuum that is so devoid of close human contact, being visible online becomes quite the obsession.

So I have decided not to check in as often as I would. Posting is not such a problem as I don’t post as often. So unless my phone tinkles me on new notifications, I won’t go online to check.

———-

Did I mention that today was another ridiculously blazing day? Just being touched by the sun, one could feel the burn.

We are close to being baked alive soon.

I remember one Alfred Hitchcock episode when I was young that spooked me.. I can’t remember the exact details only that a household of people were trapped in a house & the sun became too hot & eventually they got burnt alive.

Something like that. Anyone help me here?

If that was, then was that some kind sick prophesy coming true?

———-

And why has work become boring?

I’ve been very, very discouraged. It seems every script I’ve tried does not work at all. I’m down to almost no pipeline & sure am bummed.

Later.