During the CHOP, at the sermon, pastor played a short clip with the song ‘Soon’ by Hillsong.

Here are the lyrics & the song.

soon and very soon
i’ll be going
to the place he has prepared for me
there my sin erased
my shame forgotten
soon and very soon

i will be with the one i love
with unveiled face i’ll see him
there my soul will be satisfied
soon and very soon

soon and very soon
see the procession
the angels and the elders
round the throne
at his feet i lay
my crown’s my worship
soon and very soon

i will be with the one i love
with unveiled face i’ll see him
there my soul will be satisfied
soon and very soon

though i have not seen him
my heart knows him well
jesus christ the lamb
the lord of heaven

I will be with one i love
with unveiled face i’ll see him
there my soul will be satisfied
soon and very soon
soon and very soon
soon and very soon

I am capable of being sarcastic too… *evil laughs* You are all going to get it from me since I’m not supposed to be giving disclaimers! Mwahahahahaha…

———-

I like conversations. It’s where people get to exchange ideas & thoughts & not just a one-sided monologue. It’s where people have an understanding even if they don’t agree.

I guess that’s why I shun talking to most people because most times people are not interested in having conversations. They just want to talk.

———-

Last Bsf lesson of the year. I feel a great relief off my shoulders. Even though year end is approaching & there will be more involvement in practises, I am psyched.

If there really was a previous life, I think maybe I was a samsui woman. Haha… But then again, maybe I just heart singing so much.

Later.

Have you ever gone on a shopping trip where it feels more like a mission than pleasure?

You go, knowing you need to get some nice stuff but because you are working on a shoestring budget, by the end of it, yeah, you busted some good money but actually forgot what you bought & didn’t feel excited about those spoils.

Sigh.

Looks like haircut gotta wait.

Later.

We have this event on the first Friday of the month called the Corporate House of Prayer. I’ve always thought of going but due to some reason, I never did.

I happened to be involved in the praise & worship today as the team is leading, so we had to be there throughout.

I am no good at corporate prayers. Praying out loud makes me nervous. I get tongue-tied, twisted & then more. My mind goes blank & all the words that I want to say becomes jumbled. I can talk to God casually & fluently at home, about many things but I just can’t pray out loud outside.

So I was wondering what to expect.

It wasn’t as scary as I’d thought. In fact, I thought I might come again next time.

The worship team huddled together & prayed quietly. Then we make jokes & laugh at each other.

Prayer is a nice way to bond. When I learn about someone else’s concerns, it sets my guard down about the world & make me feel as if I’ve come up one level closer to the real world & that person.

Later.

The world isn’t what it seems. Very often, one seems to be moving, only to realize later that one is trapped – in a certain era or certain attitude.

People adopt a certain way to handle the world that which is believed to be the best but what is not obvious is that as the world evolves, the method of survivng becomes outdated.

Soon, some of us find ourselves stuck in a rut. We find ourselves strangers to what was once familiar. We remain outsiders amongst the people around us. And then we find that we are the only ones left at the end of the day – alone.

Were some instructions not passed down that one becomes oblivious to the changing trend? It must have been so inconspicuous that the changes became such stark shock decades later.

The way that was adopted to handle certain things, certain people no longer applies. The principles that you used to hold so dearly are no longer important to people. People see things differently. Some things that were of value are no longer valuable.

But there are some who seem to get it so well. They adapt & follow quickly like a fox.

Is it a case of the world becoming more tolerant that some things don’t matter anymore? Has the society become more hardhearted than before?

Later.

Sky was rumbling & greyish as I wake to the world, the temperature was just nice for one to snuggle under covers.

I wish it were Saturday.

I don’t think I will have a problem going to temperate countries. People talk about Seasonal Affective Disorders. I think I will ONLY become normal in this weather. Born in the wrong country, I always say.

Things are looking up. Indeed, I have no reason to feel down. NO REASON. Absolutely. I guess I was just trying to find a balance between aggressiveness & assertiveness.

And I sort of threw myself off balance. Myself. Ever heard of the saying ‘you are own worst enemy’. It’s extremely true for me. I attack myself even before anyone could. I think that actually lessens the pain of having someone else hurt me.

Ooh. I am so masochistic.

I’m just really unsure about where I stand with people I consider friends & I feel really foolish now having embarrassed myself with my emotional upheavals.

I am glad to say that it’s over. I know it. Whether it’ll come back or not, I wouldn’t know. I pray it’ll be away longer & when it does come back, it will go away faster.

I have been given many affirmations lately which led me to recall that I’m not as lousy as I thought I am. And though the people I am hanging out with now may seem out of my league, I think they don’t mind my status & my occasional ‘blondeness’.

Disclaimers, or whatever you may call it, is always good when necessary. So I’m not going to stop dispensing them. I will stop giving them for unimportant ones.

Focus. Just follow. That one light under my feet & take each step as it comes.

Later.

Waaaaaaah… Worship leader told me that on the soundboard chart, I have perfect frequency. Waaaaaaah… It’s very nice to know.

Me & my narcissim. You wanna smack me? Hahaha…

It’s just good to know… :J

———-

I am getting to see that even though many people don’t show it, most are insecure on some levels, at one point or another.

The severity of it probably isn’t enough to paralyse someone. Unlike yours truly here.

———-

Today’s reading of ODJ was a good wake up call for me… In fact, a lot of materials that I have been reading lately have been pointing me back to keeping focus on my ‘Goal’.

What’s our ultimate Goal in life? What is MY goal? I’ve allowed myself excuses & weakness to sneak in, creating havoc in my mind. I’ve allowed myself to be derailed & got upset & obssessed over silly things.

Where was my sight? On myself. When I allow myself to wallow, I’m focussing on myself. When I am insecure & worried abt how others see me, I’m thinking solely on myself.

When I give myself excuses like, ‘but…’ ‘what if…’ ‘No, I don’t think so’, Before I’ve even allowed myself to try & see what happens, I’ve defeated myself.

I should learn to wipe out the negative words from my vocabulary & use them only when necessary. Simply just go… in faith.

———-

I read a report this morning about how some people think that being depressed is actually good & can be used in a good way for therapeutic purposes. It argues that when a depressed person ruminates over a certain matter, the thoughts are directed & therefore analytic & will be able to come to solution.

The debate is that more often than not, while it is true that a depressed person ruminates, the thoughts are never focussed & a solution may never be found.

I have to agree with the latter.

How can depression be good? For a moment, I thought that people are actually becoming more sympathetic toward the depressed. While I appreciate the sentiment (me, an experienced ‘depresser’ previously), I do hope that depression will not be ‘glorified’ in future.

Depression can be debilitating. For the clinically diagnosed cases, medications are given & it affects their lives forever. I’ve seen people looking stoned & feeling ill from the effects of it. And most onlookers just don’t ever get that they are actually ill.

For people who are undiagnosed, it can be as bad. Even if we don’t have to suffer the side effects of the medications, the battles in one’s mind are enough to drive one to the edge of life.

Not exactly fun, is it?

Later.

I’ll sing Your praises forever
Deeper in love with You
Here in Your courts
Where I’m close to Your throne
I’ve found where I belong

———-

When I look into Your holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround
Becomes shadows in the light of You

When I’ve found the joy of reaching Your heart
When my will becomes enthroned in Your love
When all things that surround
Becomes shadows in the light of You

I worship You
I worship You
The reason I live
Is to worship You

I worship You
I worship You
The reason I live
Is to worship You

应该一早就有这样的感觉，只是她没说。

每当她邀请我到她家，就不由自主地逗留过夜。因为渴望有人陪，所以也不顾打扰就留下。还好她是个好客之人而没嫌我麻烦。

是非常想念那么亲密的友情吧。是非常想念她吧。

总有一种现在人家可以对我很好可是万一明天他们就对我令有看法而对我不理不睬或是输远我的恐惧。毕竟经常听到因为某某人怎样，所以开始杯葛他/她。我常认为，我也会成为人家杯葛的。大概是这样，开始产生无未的恐惧。

我真的不想做一个心灵如此残缺的人。我不希望朋友在我身边需要好象走在蛋壳上，小心意意地担心随时踩烂。

Later.

Argh. Someone really messed it up for me.

One tune kept ringing in my head the whole day…

“give me salt, give me rice
Give me pepper in my rice… “

Only, it should’ve been…

“make me salt, make me light
let Your holy fire ignite…”

And for the whole day, I kept trying to change the back to the original one…

Give me salt, give me… Oh no. Make me salt, make me light…

I can’t remember how many times I went through that.

And the thing is, it fits & it’s so ticklish!

Later.

总是到了星期天晚上，就会不自觉有重莫名的空虚和恐惧。

和一些只能一个星期碰一次面的人high半天后，忽然发现到最后，只省下我一个。对他们来说，可以继续过生活。星期一来临，他们还有其他的朋友﹑其他的活动可以让他们感到生活并不是很可怕。

我到底怎么了？曾经不是很喜欢独来独往的吗？为什么突然那么无助？那些刚认识的朋友也许会被吓跑。

我到底活在什么世界，哪一个领域，哪一个国度？怎么有时感到自己和别人有一段很大的距离？无论用再大的力气还是拉不近自己和朋友之间的关系。是疯掉了吗？是自己搞不清楚状况吧？

心里不断地挣扎﹑不断地呐喊；茫然﹑不知所措。忽然瞬间忘了怎么样象常人交流。

他们看到的是一个乱了阵脚的女孩。而我希望他们看到的是那个有自信，能干的女人。差异越大，信心失去越多，越不能把错误的观念摆脱。越难摆脱却越想摆脱，于是就越说越错；越做越错。

而一个星期只见一次，变成一种＇千言万语说不尽，倒不如不说＇的心态。但同时又变成一种依恋；依恋他们对我的每一点疼爱，每一点关注。

看自己，认为自己好傻，好愚蠢。而旁人大概不能了解这在心里造成的困扰。我讨厌那么软弱，需要如此地奢求别人的关怀。象是乞讨，很不是滋味。

看到别人有说有笑，不知从哪里开始。又怕说错话得罪人，又怕太安静让别人难受。

在观察一些人时，发现有些人安安静静来，安安静静走，似乎就是这样。没有人特别察觉到他们的存在，也不会想要特别深入了解他们﹑和他们交谈, 因为太普通了。

这。。。 是我吧？

社会变化成我不懂得如何去应对。该象别人不加思索，盲目地过生活？还是该＇你咬我，我就咬回你＇的心态应对呢？

单纯和直率不’流行’了吗？

I am very sleepy.

Before I hit the sack, I just really wanted to say the worship service for this M2 conference last 2 days were the most fun.  Really enjoyed myself.

Too jam packed & really sleep deprived so I cut the last activity out & stayed in. Sorry, guys, I don’t think my mind can take too much socializing in such a condition. Didn’t want to spoil the fun.

Tomorrow is another busy day. After worship, going KBox with GV people!

But for now… I’m dazed as h***, so night, all.

Later.

My boss told me I was doing well so far & that I am picking up fast.

Phew. Sort of sets my heart at ease.

———-

Some things just aren’t meant to be.

I thought I’m getting one thing ticked off my to-do list. But well. Out of range. What to do?

I’m not too bummed about not being able to do it compared to the waiting. The murdering of a song became too much of a droning, I spaced out. I am a little disappointed though, but it’s ok.

Later.

A little less than an arm’s length away
I held on to a pole
My delicious piece of cake in a plastic bag
Hanging on my arm
My knapsack on my back

I wasn’t blocking anyone & the train was not crowded
But all of a sudden my bag ruffled
I thought I was in the way
I looked on my left, a woman brushing her hands off my bag
My bag which holds my delicious cake
Then she nudged my knapsack several times
As if that space belonged rightfully to her

You see, she was leaning on the pole
The Pole that splits into 3 handle bars
The Pole that’s there for people to hold
Not for lazy asses to lean on

So she thinks she can make me feel guilty
My hand firmly on the pole
I left my gaze upon her slightly more than a few seconds
I looked away & shook my head
With no look of disgust or expression
Then she did it a few more times
And I did it until she understands
It was not a hint, I tell you
It was a message
And she got it, I’m so glad
Or I would have told her right in the face
In front of the rest of the people

So no apologies, this time round
This woman will not make me feel guilty
I won’t make disclaimers for this one
My hand is firmly on the pole
I am proud that I made my stand

Later.

Those familiar sponges of padding have crept back onto my waist.

Although I wished they’d stayed away for a longer period of time, but I’m somehow comforted that I don’t have some health issue that caused me to lose weight so rapidly.

Adrenaline. Nervous energy. That’s all I need. Who needs exercise & diet pills when all you need is just be anxious? Haha.

I’ve long given up trying to look fat-less. I’m a practical person. If it doesn’t make sense, don’t do it (although looking back at these posts, lots of things don’t make sense about what I do! Haha…), so going fat-free just isn’t going to go anywhere.

I am too much of a glutton to be anorexia. I’m no food connoisseur but I certainly think about food way too much for my own good. I love eating with friends. And I love my deserts.

Bulimia? Forget it. I’m too much of a scrooge to waste the food & money to eat & purge.

I don’t want to become a blob of slob though. I do hope to be fit. One of those dreams that remain dreams. Even working out to get that body is but a figment of that dream.

In any case, I’m fat again but I’m proud to be while I work to lose it all away again. Hee. *v-sign*

Later.