I hope to be an obedient child although many times, I tend to go sideways – often far away from Him.

It is a good thing that God always come searching for us in these times. Sometimes we ask God’s whereabouts but it’s not that He’s gone far away but that we have left His side; He’s always there, waiting.

I did – too many times. Many times often very badly in those days. I just hadn’t mess up bad enough in the recent years to wish for that.

I am impulsive. There were things said that weren’t intended although the objective was met. This was supposed to be a space for me to work out my thoughts but I find I am getting too angsty. I wasn’t supposed to blog about work but that seems to be something so often now.

If I am to be completely honest to my readers (whoever is left), I was being prideful. You know how when you’ve done something not so right yet you want to hold on to the smidgen of pride left, so you say things to sound cool?

This also became an outlet for me to just put out my angst & upsets against other people, whether I know they are reading or not. There are thankfully gracious people who read with an objective eye.

I can’t live with ambiguity, so I will work things out. I still feel certain emotions but I leave that to God to deal with me.

In the meantime, can I click restart once more on this aspect & redo this again?

Later.

I understand that as a support singer, it is not good to overpower the worship leader. But you don’t know the dynamics & why some of us sound like we are doing that, so don’t hint that ‘I don’t want that happening.’ when you know nuts about music or singing with a band.

Never mind.

Later.

Have the greatest day,
Tammy

The lyrics of this song were so ministering that they reminded me of my wretchedness.

We are all wretched. No matter if we are saved, we are still wretched. It’s just that God made us worthy despite our wretchedness.

And tears rolled when I came to that verse because I was reminded of a vision that God gave many years ago that came like a first phase of freedom.

I was at a retreat with another church then. Me, being me, never knew or felt God’s presence in my early years as a christian. I prayed & prayed but nothing.

At the retreat, while I was in a praying session, I saw in my vision that I was in chains. Then someone came & undid the chains. Not only was I freed, but this person tenderly took my left hand & put it in his right hand. It felt really real. Really real. I can’t remember if he said anything but I know then, that I was safe. And free. It was an assurance.

I can’t say I can easily feel God’s presence now but that incident really left an indelible impression in my heart.

In my selfishness these few days, this song brought me back to perspective.

Later.

Some slight recollection of memories:

A Filipino colleague described me as gullible. I wondered if that is a good thing. The 4 of us were having a friendly debate on what she was trying to say. Her argument was that she thought I was rather trusting because she kept jibing at one colleague’s story telling to be untrue… Of course, it was in jest. I told her that to be described that way is more often than not attached with a negative connotation. Eventually one of them pointed out that it is better than to be described as cunning or scheming.

I guess if you look at it that way, yeah, I could accept it.

I wonder how many people sees me that way.

My argument, if I really should put up one, is that I really have no reason to doubt unless it is blatantly dubious. But if you treat me like a fool by conjuring up convincing stories when they are not true, then depending on the situation, I will have difficulty believing you again. I mean, I give the benefit of the doubt, so don’t take me for a ride.

*****

Once you get used to this kind of keyboard, it really isn’t too bad. The tactile feedback & (surprisingly) the predictive text turned out to be pretty unhelpful. Without them, it is a little easier to let my thumbs fly.

*****

I just switched my work role lately. It will be more of a relationship management, servicing existing customers & identifying potential transactions from there.

I find it more suited for me. However, the hurdle of making phone calls is still very much there. At least it’s better than making countless cold calls.

But… I’m still waiting for ‘the’ answer. Now I feel stuck. Not sure of the answer. Not sure how to move on. I wonder if my service will be affected if I do go on board? Between those 2 is a tougher choice than this 2.

Anyway, no point worrying, right? Yeah, that’s what I have to tell myself everyday because they just come back & bug me about it.

*****

I was a little upset about something+someone. In this, I learnt a lesson – I really have no right to get angry or upset. I had asked myself many times & chided myself many times. It is really between God & them. Even if my gut feeling tells me they are in denial, what right have I to get upset? What right do I have to point it out?

At our Caregivers training yesterday night, the oldies were insistent on telling it. Because they were trained (not at Carenet!! I meant their upbringing) to believe that they should stand for what they were taught to believe in.

No excuse on my part but I kinda see why there is this trend of people just eager to shove down ‘principles’ down people’s throats & when I say this, I am included in this equation.

Well, on the other hand, I see growth on my part. I feel lesser need to justify myself & disclaim.

On another note, it is true that there is part truth to the jokes people make & that would explain why I am often insecure initially when the folks I see weekly joke about certain things. I mean, if you have something you wanna say, just tell it to my face. I have had enough from my relatives who say things they don’t mean. I may not like what you say. I may retort. But, on hindsight, I will still appreciate that. Just don’t be cruel. One can be firm & truthful & loving, no?

Though now that I’ve gotten used to them, it isn’t such a problem anymore. Plus, now I dig back at them, so it’s all cool.

Ah. Who am I to make such requests when I myself have been cruel to people in dishing out the ‘truth’?

Later.

I told the boss of my intention. I’m glad she is retaining me & finding an alternative. But ultimately, I am still waiting for the answer. If that door closes, I will know what to do. It’s Your call, Lord.

And I told her honestly that I no longer want to make calls am not making any calls. I feel like puking everytime I open up the list (that, of course, I didn’t tell). It’s gotten to the point that the calls I’m making are just for going through the motions. I know the script is not working but I know I need to make the calls but I just can’t bring myself to try to persuade them to see me anymore.

Big boss, you can say whatever you want. Whatever about attitude & achieving what you really want… I respect your opinion but I also feel that I’m not one to try & fit myself into a round hole if I know I’m a square peg. It’s not that I didn’t try. I did & I hate it. So to be fair to you, I’d rather quit or do something else in your company instead of wasting time, taking up space in your office.

There.

On another note, I made what I think is a serious mistake in another area of my life that is not work.

It really got me thinking about the way I relate & respond to people.

If you don’t already know me, I am a very serious person so I take these things very seriously. To me, it is not acceptable.  As a responsible adult, I need to be mindful of my response with others.

But, thankfully, I didn’t have to bash myself up. I was upset with myself but I decided to be a little kinder this time. I kept shaking my head whenever I think about it but I just kept reminding myself that I just need to move on & remember not to do it again.

But after this whole incident, something in me has changed. I think I got a little bit of my strong, resilient self back. This time not with anger or insecurity but in knowing that there is nothing to be afraid of. If I lose, I lose. If the level of trust is compromised, no choice. I know this is the kind of response people will generally will have. I’m prepared because I can’t turn back what I did. There is a sense of confidence that it is ok; life goes on.

If you didn’t know me, well, this kind of things usually will send me into an insecurity overdrive & a very serious guilt trip. I would have expected people to reply my emails or messages but this time, I’m really cool about it.

And if I said a little more than I should, I’m sorry to this person concerned who is reading. It was too much, I’d admit. But there wasn’t anything false that I said. I really don’t know what you think, but should you choose to ignore me or drift away, that’s fine. I won’t give up on you but if you want to, I’m ok with it.

I still did write my disclaimers but at least I didn’t crave for any response. I believe it is a sign of growth for me so Hallelujah!!

Later.

正件事因为＇领导＇两个字，让当事人都不愉快。

为什么为了地位伤和气？大家都只是为了同
一个目标奋斗／耕耘。为什么不能好好地解决？

是这样的话，我没兴趣和人争。每个人都想要，不管他们有没有那个本能，他们就是喜欢呼风唤雨。

从古自今到现在，并没有太大改变。人们总是为了名利地位搞得不欢而散，鸡犬不宁。

在这事件，我也看开了。曾经我也想要这种＇荣誉＇。经过这事之后，我想，不必急了。

从来就不喜欢争东西。好烦。讨厌。

Later

think think. shake head. think think think. sigh.

shakes head. sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

Later.

And because it seemed a little sensitive to another person in concern, it sent me into an paranoidal overdrive over some emails that were transpired. *_*

In any case, I’m keeping quiet this Easter with all the ‘Big Thank You’ emails flying around. The only one I responded to, I replied to the sender with a simple ‘it was a pleasure’. No need for big flowery thank yous like I did last year. I’ll leave it to the big people this time.

At least the whole event went well except for my blooper & according to a pastor, many people asked for the ‘YES!’ kit. That, to me, is wonderful enough.

Later.

I cut short one last chorus from one of the songs which was specifically told to me to remember to do it & before we went up, I took a look at the cue sheet & was sure that I had to do it twice.

But then… things happen. Anyway, it was because the musician & I got a little confused, so I cut it. What’s past is past & as I write, I just can’t help but laugh at myself.

One pastor gave me a twice over after the event. I’m still not sure why he always gives me that look. I really don’t. The worse thing is, he keeps quiet & stops talking when he was actually talking to someone else before I sat down. Is it because he thinks I’m too flashy (I had a haircut prior to this event & am the only one who wore bright red. But then again, another gentleman also wore a checkered red shirt… ? What’s wrong with looking proper & decent instead of a dishevelled, unkempt mess for the event?)? Because he thinks I was too over the top? Because he thinks that I was going around telling everyone that I see about my blooper as if I’m in a public confessional? Because he thinks that at this age, I shouldn’t be behaving like this? Maybe I’m right in all of this. After all, pastors are still just human. They have their prejudices. But I really don’t know for sure. And I don’t want to care anymore. I used to get very upset by it, but then, hey, if you think I have a problem then you should talk to me because you ARE the pastor & I am a lost sheep undergoing change. I don’t want to hanker for yours or any other pastors’ attention anymore.

On a serious note though, I made a few observations about this whole event.

There were no challenges that I faced during the course of this event. I didn’t feel as excited perhaps because things moved only towards the end. But there were no challenges for me. To me, it is always a joy to sing for God, even if it borders on pretending to be performing.

Being in a new role was one exciting thing for me though. But after being in this position for the last few sessions of rehearsals, I feel that if it is going to ruin a relationship, I’d rather not do it.

Why fight? Why argue just because I want things to get done in my way? Why get so uptight & ruin a friendship? Everyone is learning. Where’re my fruits of the spirit?

I used to really want to be in a some kind of leadership position. I now have the conclusion that it must be because I’m insecure. And insecurity makes for a lousy leader.

I have a mental image of a very good leader that I hope to become. But for now, I don’t think I am so, I decide from now on that what comes will come. What doesn’t, I take in my own stride.

The chinese ministry should be a very good learning ground for me & it should be challenging enough what with the people I think I will potentially deal with.

It’s also to do with perspectives. I don’t think of leadership as someone being on the pedestal calling the shots. I think of leadership as a different role with different responsibilities from the others in the team.

I think ‘leadership’ has been way overrated. The society now tend to mix leadership & management together & deem leadership as someone who simply bosses people around. A person may be a very good manager but may not make a good leader. A leader is someone who willingly follows regardless of title. I think I might make a good manager given my impatient & straight to the point nature as my previous experiences tell me. But I don’t think I will make a good leader for now.

If you are thinking why I am harping on this & a little frequently of late, it’s because I have to get this out of my system. I was once misguided to think of it that way.

In our church, there are lots of people who comes from management backgrounds & somehow feel as if they are doing the church a favour by volunteering for the various ministries & then do their best to call their own shots within their ministries whether they are asked to or not. I’m not sure but it seems as if this goes on in their minds “oh, I’m a manager in my office & when I volunteer, certainly I can become one of the leaders as well. I can’t possibly just be a lowly/unknown staff. I must speak up.” Or worse – “oh, church is one way that I can call the shots because in my work, I can’t.”

What happened to servanthood? What happened to humility?

In one review of a book called Lead Like Jesus, it says that a servant-leader is one who puts others interests first. In turn, they follow him because they respect him.

My point is, after today, I’m going to be pretty relaxed about this whole leadership thing for myself. Why get so hung up about whether the pastors trust me enough to make me some leader? Why get so hung up whether they think I’m trying to get attention? If anyone knows me enough, I prefer to hide. It would be right to say I want to be recognized for my singing. But I don’t need to be seen. Yet one wrong thing said, one candid suggestion is enough to cause someone to think that I am hungry for attention. And because my face was once on TODAY as a favour for someone.

I shall mellow down & learn from those that I look up to because I’m sure there is another way other than my strict disciplinarian way to ‘command’ respect.

I still think that it is good to lay down all the ground rules right from the start. Whether adults or children, I think people appreciate that; what to expect, what to do. Most people are followers & it’s a strange thing, almost a strange phenomenon that majority of the people will follow just about anyone who looks as if they know what to do because I think most people are too lazy or too afraid to make decisions.

Ok, too much candid rambling…

Later.

Some people do but don’t have time for it, leaving the mentee angsty. Messages not properly conveyed makes angry people.

Just a reflection.

Later.